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Anthrofashionology 101

by HELEN CARTER

Okay I admit it: I write a fashion column and I've never seen Project Runway. Sorry. I don't have cable. I'm a poor fashion writer. No, no, it's not that I don't write well, it's just that I can't afford cable and I don't really care for fashion. Or models. Or TV. Oh, maybe I AM a poor fashion writer.

Then what am I doing? If pressed for a response, I would have to say that I care about clothing politically, which makes me cringe as I say it. Cringe and retract. And flinch. All at the same time. Does sociologically sound better? Obsessive compulsively? Anthropologically? I just met someone who introduced herself as a Cultural Geologist, so why can't I be your local clothingologist? We'll just capitalize it - Clothingologist. Clothing Geologist. Anthrofashionologer. I'm sure there are people with real Phd's in Clothing Geology sending angry emails as you're reading this. Sorry, but spare us the letter and get to work asking for your tuition back. Anyone can watch people walk around in clothes and write about what it means. I think I've proven that here. And you can do it for free - just pull up a park bench and get to work.

But. I do own a vintage clothing store, and I design and make clothes, so people like to tell me about Project Runway. A lot. Even when I say I've never seen it. So, for the rest of you who are sans cable, let me tell you what I've pieced together: It seems that a group of aspiring designers are pitted against each other in an elaborately caged spiritual death match. Yes. And some of them are washed-up rock stars, and actors, and they live together in a very expensive overdecorated house. That house is on an island. Cryptic notes are delivered. Then, through a series of elaborate plot twists perpetuated by whomever runs the show, drama ensues, and the contestants turn on each other like the rats you learned about in Psych 101. Then! Just when you think it can't get more exciting, two of the would-be designers trade mothers. One mom is a Witch and one is a Christian! What are the odds? Cut to a commercial break. One contestant is kicked off the show. Everyone cries. Then, finally something makes sense, the only contestant who seems to have anything going on escapes during the night in a small boat. Oh, wait, I’m mixing it up with The Truman Show. Or is it an old Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? Like I said, I've never watched it. But somehow along the way they make clothes out of garbage. You're not missing much.

What is the prize for winning on Project Runway? I don’t know. I'd guess it's a chance to have your fashion line at some big fashion show. But what's the prize for watching it? Does it feed our deep-seated desire to see one person win and the rest lose? Or maybe we extrapolate and learn how our bosses can undermine our relationships with our coworkers. Or do we just learn new ways to be receptors instead of active participants in the world? We've become obsessed with celebrity fashion designers, yet brag with equal fervor about the cheap sweatpants we got on sale at Target. We drive thru McDonald's while exalting the feats of celebrity chefs like Rachel Ray and Anthony Bourdain. I guess it's a step up from following celebrities who are famous for being born rich. We know they can afford all the cable channels they want - heck, they may even have Tivo - so somehow they have earned our undying attention. At least designers and chefs are known for DOING something.

I’ve also heard, and don’t quote me on this, that enrollment is up at fashion departments in colleges around the country. Now that’s exciting. I just hope the exuberant grads won't be too disappointed when they arrive, visions of transforming garbage fresh in their heads, and get their first assignment: how to make sweatpants cost even less. Before you know it, everyone will want their tuition back.