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A Baseball Cap Is Forever
Your One-Stop End of Year Gift Guide, New Year’s Resolution and 2007 Fashion Prediction

by HELEN CARTER

Year’s end is a heady time. We run from stores to parties, eating and shopping the month away while trying to squelch the nagging urge to tally the year’s failures - the empty daybook pages, the mounds of vegetables that rotted under our care, the dusty treadmill in the basement. Surely next year will be better. Today’s tips will help you shop well, look better, lose weight and achieve a lifetime of satisfaction. Or your money back.

Let’s assume you’ve already got the basics down: buy the cheapest clothes available. Buy more than you can afford. Always, always pay by credit card. And remember to ask: are you getting enough for yourself? A good general rule is to maintain a 2:1 ratio of gifts for yourself to gifts for others. Here are some other handy tips you may not have considered.

1. Your body is a temple. What befits a temple more than paying a large corporation for the right to wear their logo on your chest, ass, feet, etc.? The more the merrier. They deserve your trust and loyalty, and of course your hard-earned money. Take time during these short winter days to take stock of everything they’ve done for you. A journal can be a great place to collect these thoughts. You can buy one from Barnes and Noble.

2. Be a smart consumer. Read labels - you’ll feel more confident and self-assured knowing the clothes you buy were made by third-world slaves. You are the winner here, after all - you are the consumer. You are the decider. Important keywords to look for: China, Malaysia, Mexico.

3. Recognize the inherent value in pop star’s clothing lines. I mean, let’s think this through logically: these people are popular, and they wear clothes. Oh, and they already have enough money to buy their own fashion line. Who deserves your money more than those who already have so much? (While you’re at it, this is a good time to send a check to the GOP.) And if their clothes are that great, can’t we logically assume their perfume to also be worthy? I believe we can.

4. Understand that the problem is probably you. You are the wrong shape. Consider plastic surgery. It isn’t just trendy, it’s all about fashion too. Can’t afford it? You can still get status points: wrap some gauze around your head and let Elmer’s glue dry on your upper lip. Wait three weeks, remove.

5. Wait, you CAN afford surgery? Consider a more lofty enhancement - ask the doctor to implant an attractive but non-functional third eye in your forehead. They’re going to be big next year, trust me. Also, consider a cell phone implant. Hmm... since people already have computer chips inserted under their skin it’s hard to make a cell phone implant joke funny. Consider a vow of silence instead. It will match your new third eye.

6. Aim high in steering. When you mail your check to the GOP (see #3) include a note - American fashion needs a boost at the policy-making level. Sure, you drive to the mall, but can’t this great nation make clothes that burn fossil fuels? And shouldn’t high fructose corn syrup be woven into fabric? Can’t something be done about this?

7. Keep it simple. Overwhelmed? Stick with the basics. An oversized bedazzled knock-off purse always goes well with sweatpants. And never forget the truism “a baseball cap is forever.”

In summary: drive everywhere and when you get there buy a lot. Know that there is something wrong with you, always, but you might be forgiven if you buy enough. Always trust celebrities and corporations more than yourself or people you know. Say please and thank you, and be willing to believe that this year is the one when you’ll get it all right.