Porn Clerk
by Danni H

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Porn Clerk
By: Danni H.

I have an amazing job. I work in an adult novelty store -lets keep it simple- a porn shop. A whole digital library of flesh, from Amateur right down to Transvestites, an impressive assortment of almost every personal lubricant i've ever heard of, and some i never knew existed, more multicolored/textured/speed dildos, dongs, anal beads, bullets, vibrators, plugs and cock rings than you could shake a fist at.... two handfuls of video jerk off for 5 minutes a buck booths in the back hallway and a blow-up doll in a pear tree. My boss is a biker chick from Virginia with some great stories, my coworker Bill is hysterical, as is the cleaning guy... oh yes clerks fans, we have a jism mopper. But it isn't all fun and games in porno world, where all your wet dreams come true... There’s the before and end shift counts, sweeping up cigarette buts up in the parking lot... going in back to the booths and kicking the doors shut, holding my breath to avoid the smell of one-sided sex.... but the worst part of the job has to be the slow mornings. Its not like working at a convenient store where there's a morning rush for coffee, their daily pack of smokes and the newspaper. Though, some guys do stop before work for the morning stroke if they don't have enough time in the shower... or to grab a mag to slip into their morning paper. However, generally between the hours of 8 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. a whole lot of not much goes on... and this is what i think about when i work at the porn shop.
All the colorful regulars who go in the back to the video booths. Like the younger guy who always gets 20 dollars worth of one dollar bills when he comes to the counter for change. In the back hall, in those little rectangles of multi channel porn, a dollar of your money is equal to 5 minutes of your life. I'll leave you to do the math. And how does a kid like that have a problem getting a girl with stamina like that?
How strange it must look to use glow in the dark anal beads.
The new 29 time award winning film Pirates... do you think Disney is aware of this plagiarism?
What Star Wars geek used the name Evil Empire for his porn production company?
The aspiring young starlet on the cover of American Bukkake 28 who has had so many men ejaculate on her face that one of her fake eyelashes is now stuck to her eyelid.
And.. doesn't it seem like having a squishy blow up fetish chair is just a little counter intuitive? Like a parody of the old spanish inquisition sketch.. "Sit down in the comfy chair while i humiliate and torture you".
The elderly men who come to use the booths for 10 minutes and then come to the counter and bullshit with you for 30 minutes about their fishing trip or back in the day when they were in the navy.
The times when your about to go outside for a smoke and have to come right back in for a customer... normally this is no big deal, but it is when your really craving a smoke and the customer is the kind of person who has to look through every single DVD and VHS for the perfect skin flick... and after and hour finally make up his mind... meanwhile your crawling the walls.
The people who bring props... they go back with a shopping back with a pair of heels and satin undies.. or they buy a bottle of lube and a leather cock ring or a butt plug and then sneak back into the booths. How embarrassing would that be to get walked in on while wearing black pumps, dollars in one hand, dick in the other, astroglide in your shirt pocket?
And you know what... it always annoyed me that more girls don't come in or out of here. One of the traditional stops on any girl’s day out should be a stop at the toy store... especially since so many woman have seen the episode of Sex in the City that featured the infamous Rabbit Vibrator.
What would the patrons think if i just looped Ernie Clines’ slam poem Nerd Porn Auteur on the stereo?
What specific lubrication to recommend to what costumer based on their needs... Anal-ese or Dickalicious for anal sex and deep throating... H2O for woman who are prone to yeast infections or which one feels most like a woman's natural wetness, maybe what flavor to pick...I'm partial to raspberry, or maybe the pina colada.
How every fake breast looks just like every other fake breast no matter how big or small.
The married men who come in and buy Gay Porn... i feel terrible that we live in an area that’s so closed to things like that... and these men have to hide.
If I should consider a vibrating pocket pussy competition.
If getting quadruple penetrated by man and machine feels anywhere near as good as these woman make it look.
My other coworker who called in because he had the clap.

This, is what I think about when I work at the porn shop.